Wednesday, December 1, 2010

lost

How old am I to be still yelling and sobbing on the phone?
To have my mum drop tissues quietly onto my lap
because I was crying so badly,
I couldn't see straight.

What more do I have to do?

What more haven't I done?

I am almost perfect, almost.
Really.
I give when I should, am polite around the right people,
i don't throw tantrums or embarrass you in front of your friends.
I almost have no temper, anything is fine,
if you want this, I won't disagree.
Your friends don't get it how I can be so understanding.
My friends don't get it why I won't get pissed.
I seldom am, and you know it.
You know it all,
and yet.
Why am I still crying into the phone,
sobbing so hard my words don't come together into a sentence
and my heart is breaking, my throat hurts
and when, when will you get it?

I really want to be, for once,
a girlfriend who can throw a tantrum,
a girlfriend who can be demanding,
a girlfriend whom would be coaxed.

I am tired of being so okay with everything.
Of trying so hard to be so perfect for you.
I am so damned scared because,
how can I see things as A
and you see it as B
and it never seems to be the same.
And I thought I really knew how you are,
and I maneuvered my way around you,
like a perfect dancer doing her perfect steps,
but how can I get it so wrong sometimes?

kelly

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Cheer up :) everything will be okay in the end, if its not okay its not the end. Smile, more happy entries please! :) x.

Anonymous said...

don't be girl.. it will be fine, it always does!! Cheer up!

-Joey

Anonymous said...

you like to get so emo and hoping people will take sympathy. did you talk about suicide to your boyfriend?

missypixie said...

i have no idea what is "take sympathy" but you must still secretly love me and my life. Cos if you hate me so much, why do you keep coming back? :)

but you are rather funny so i don't mind!